As im listening to the music we used to listen to… i feel more broken than i already am… i picture your body laying next to mines… i remember everything… it makes me cry… i really cant help but to remember… my eyes hurt from all the crying , they feel like they’re burning… i feel emotionless… i used to think it was just the song that made me so unhappy… but its actually you… the memories behind the song… the way you used to make me feel… and comparing to how you treat me now… it hurts… i dont like it when its sunny… i really dont feel optimistic about anything anymore… i love it when it rains… i love walking through it… you cant really see my tears… running through the rain… thats really the only way i let everything out… the thunder and when the rain hits the ground countlessly… its like it muzzles my screams no one can hear me… it feels like the rain cries with me… it makes me feel…not so alone…

June 7, 2012

im tired of feeling like this… i really am tired of crying… i hate the empty feeling i get after crying… it feels like as if my tears carry out the pain… but then why do i feel so worthless afterwards…i hate how im so vulnerable to you… i hate how i feel like im nothing to you anymore…i hate how we dont talk anymore… i hate how im crying typing this… because its the truth…and it fucking hurts… its really happening… im really getting a taste of reality… it sucks…i dont like feeling so shitty because of you.. i hate how my happiness depends on you…i hate how everything reminds me of fucking you… i hate how i cant be myself around my friends because you’re haunting my mind… if you dont fucking care… then why do i still care… because yeah i still love you… sometimes i wish i hadn’t met you… i was fine on my own… but i let you in… Or maybe if we hadnt fucked up , this wouldnt be happening… but i cant keep wishing like that, it hurts too much… to make matters worse im having your kid… it makes me feel like an awful disgraceful person to even think about abortion… its something im against , yet i still took it into consideration…its never the babys fault , its ours… my mom sorta talked me out of it… she just doesnt how much pain im in… she doesnt know whats going on between us… she doesnt know our history… she doesnt know what goes on in my room when im alone… to her i just lie about my happiness.. yeah mom im fine… but really im just holding back the tears… sometimes i wish i could tell her.. but i feel like she’ll just think im crazy, i just dont think she’ll understand…i dont like bottling up these feelings… and breaking down out of nowhere because i cant take it anymore… it’d be nice to have someone who understands & wont look at me like if im crazy or just sit there… i would like someone to help out…a friend you could say…